[livejournal.com profile] libraryofwinds Challenge: Hurt

Sep. 21st, 2006 04:16 pm
power_absolute: (Using)
[personal profile] power_absolute
[Private Journal Entry]

September 13, 2006

It hurt. A sort of rending feeling that made me think he was trying to turn my insides out and twist them around me into a noose. Only he'd dropped his hands and I realized it wasn't him. It wasn't his power tearing me to pieces like it had been. It was mine. It washed the rest away--what he'd done, the bruises, the fractures, the pieces that hurt so much I thought they'd fall off and maybe then the pain would stop.

But all that didn't matter under the new hurt that was laced with exhileration like I'd never felt. Power. We sit there and recite our lessons. It's so seductive. It's addictive. It's your life. You have to control it. They drill them into us and my father was always the spoken and unspoken example held out. Not like that. Not like him. The quiet certainty underneath that he was weak. Addicts always are, right? Too weak to resist, so I had to be stronger. It's in my blood. My heritage.

My power was always greater. I was always stronger magically. Was he? Was my grandfather? Is that in our blood, too? Either way it's always there. Be stronger than they were. Resist that power. Don't give in. Don't be weak and embrace your strength.

It hurt as it grew. As I...growing pains, I guess. And all the words keep repeating in my head now, reminding me of everything else in my family. His power hurt, too, when it came crashing in and merging and twisting inside with mine, but I could handle it better, it seemed, at least then.

Now there's fire under my skin all the time, and I don't know if it's just adjusting or if it will always be like this. Too much power, and I keep listening to everything that they've always said, but something's becoming clearer. The addiction's not just from the psychological rush of being able to do whatever we want. Not just from the thrill of using, or the rush of feeling it leave your body. Yeah, that's there, but we'd all be addicted by the time we turned 18 if that's all it was. But what I'm figuring out is that Mom was wrong. That's not what it is. It comes later, from the release. The sweetness after you let it slide out of you. The few minutes after you've used, when for once nothing hurts.
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Caleb Danvers

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