On a night like this
You make me feel I could fly, like
I could save the world
Since the night your love saved me
Maybe I can't save the world
But as long as you believe
Maybe I could save the world*
I told her I wouldn't risk her. She couldn't go with me because I wouldn't risk her. It was stupid on a lot of levels, but even then, even with everything he'd done, none of us understood the depth of his power. That she wasn't safe anywhere. I was risking all of them by not having a better plan. By not having any plan. By not going to the families as soon as I knew who Chase was. Pogue's father. Reid's. Tyler's. Any of them might have been able to help at least protect the rest. Maybe they didn't have his power, but they're Ascended at least, and they've been doing this a lot longer than we have.
Even when Mom suggested it, though, I just couldn't involve them. I don't know if that was fear, or arrogance. Or if I thought they'd stop me from doing...whatever it was I thought I was doing. Is it bad that it's almost a blur now? I was operating in panic mode. Keep Sarah safe. Keep Pogue and Kate safe. Keep Chase from getting to Reid and Tyler and my mom and their parents and...over and over it was just there that I had to handle it.
I didn't want to risk her. I don't know why I thought they wouldn't, or couldn't, protect her. They would have tried, the same as Reid and Tyler, but they'd have underestimated Chase the same way I did and so it had to be me. That's the only solution I could come up with. He wanted me, so I'd give him me, but not what...Not what he wanted on any level. Not my power and not...that. He'd taken all he was getting.
It was stupid. I know that now. I only got out of there alive because of my father. I only saved her, saved all of them, because of him, and what he gave up. But I didn't think that going in. I didn't understand how strong he was. I figured once I ascended, I could beat him. Everything was going to be all right. We'd gotten so used to thinking we were invincible, that even seeing Pogue in the hospital didn't shake it.
It wasn't goodbye, when I kissed her. I told her I'd see her soon, and I meant it, but I wouldn't risk her. I thought being with me was the risk, that I couldn't protect her if I was distracted. So I kissed her and I put her in Tyler's truck and I figured I was the one Chase wanted, and he'd come for me and I'd handle it and everything would be fine. I drove away from the house still thinking I could beat him. She'd kissed me and she looked at me like I could do anything. With such trust that I would do what was necessary to keep them safe, and then come home to her. And with that kiss, she made me believe it, too.
How could I fail to?
Maybe I wouldn't have. I got a feel for the new power and I was holding my own. I was on my feet, at least. He hadn't squashed me like he gloated he would. But she was there, surrounded by fire and I kept thinking about that kiss and I started to think that she'd been wrong to trust me. Wrong to believe I could do this. He wasn't tiring, and I was.
And then it was over and it wasn't until I got her out of there, saw she was okay, that I realized what had happened. It's funny. That was the first time I actually felt scared. When the panic kicked in. And I keep wondering how many kisses it will take this time before it goes away.
ooc: Hello to rambly boy. I think there was a point in there, but that turned into far more stream of consciousness than coherence in my head. The beauty of 1st person journal entries? lol. Also, he didn't lock this, so feel free to rep if you feel so led. :)
Lyrics by Bon Jovi "Save the World"